The holidays are meant to be shared with loved ones. Friends, family- and your current lover. Nobody wants to be left out, this is why the obsessive compulsive family calls are sent out around this time and the anxiety ridden “meet the parents” relationship talk is a December tradition. Meet the parents. The movie of the same name is closer to the truth than you might think. It seems parents can’t help but disapprove no matter how perfect, luscious, good in bed (don’t say this last one in front of the folks) he may seem to you. However, there are some warning signs to keep in mind that may prepare you for slightly more parental horror than you may be expecting. Here are four warning signs that your man is every parents worst nightmare.
1. He is currently “finding himself”: Or figuring is life out, getting his shit together, getting settled, WHATEVER! Ladies, I know you all know what this means,. He isn’t in college. Maybe he is planning on going later, maybe not. Maybe he doesn’t need to. Talented artists/ musicians/writers often do not need the added expense of higher education. We understand. Parents will not. When asked, “what school does he go to?”, simply respond, “I am so proud to say that he has finished school and is already an accomplished (insert his current passion here)” It is not a lie, he did finish high school (I hope!).
2. He is a fighter as well as a lover: We all know the drill: bad boys do it better! It is sexy to see your man all riled up, defending your honor (or his own). But parents don’t like violence around their baby. Honestly, as long as the violence is not directed toward you or any innocent victims, and as long as it seems at least somewhat controlled, there is no harm being done… well at least not much. So go ahead and attribute his scars and bruises to a lack of coordination. And encourage him to cut down his claws at least a little bit. After all, there is plenty of time for consensual clawing in the bedroom.
3. He is or was once “homeless”: Now I am not talking bum off the streets homeless because if that is the case then girl, YOU BETTA BACK YO ASS OUT OF THERE! What I am talking about is the kind of homeless that many just out of college kids end up being. Finding an apartment in the city is no easy feat. My friend had a boyfriend who slept out at Chelsea Piers for a week because it was so impossible. If this is the case.. some things are better left unsaid the family unit, but we all feel for you.
4. Tattoos/Piercings: Obviously parents are seldom accepting of body art and jewelry. This is perhaps one of the most absurd parental concerns, as someone’s outer appearance generally does not apply to one’s personality, more over, a person’s body is their own to draw on poke in any which way they choose. As far as this goes, encourage him to show them off loud and proud. This is who he is and it is not a character flaw, it is a lifestyle decision. Tattoos and piercings can be works of art with a body as a canvas, and if some cannot appreciate this work of art? Well, they aren’t the ones laying next to him at night, are they?
Photos by Terry Richardson