Claudia C. is firstly a genius, secondly keeps it 100 and thirdly knows about sex. Follow her epic twitter @LiteralPorn and read her.
These are the top 6 shoes that make my pussy dry up and what they say about the guy wearing them.
1.Uggs
Guys who wear Uggs often snowboard or surf. Why do guys need wool lined boots to frolic on the beach? I don’t know. But snowboarders swear by how warm and comfortable they are. You know what else is really warm and comfortable? Really thick woolen socks and a pair of Timbs, and you get the added benefit of not looking like the douchebag in the picture above. When a guy wears UGGS you almost have to respect how little fucks he gives about what people think. Men who wear Uggs are a rare breed. Mainly because Darwinian laws are driving them towards extinction.
2. Vans Slip Ons
Yo white dudes, why do you refuse to wear socks with these particular shoes? I see y’all out here in socks with sandals all the time but never socks with Vans slip ons. Guys who used to skateboard and had cokedreams of becoming Tony Hawk/Rob Dyrdek love these shoes and always wear beanies with them (see above). I’m not as aesthetically opposed to these shoes as I am to the smell that’s born when a guy wears them barefoot all summer long. You think throwing some foot powder in it is gonna fix it? Nah doggie. Guys that own these shoes always have dwellings that smell like ass because of the shoes in question.
3. Birkenstocks
If you own Birkenstocks I automatically question your personal hygiene, I can also safely assume you own at least one article of tie dyed clothing and a bong. Birkenstocks scream “I like stuff white people with dreadlocks like, heck I might even be a white person with dreadlocks.” If you’re wearing these I’m gonna assume you know where I can get some acid and good shrooms but I’ll also roll my eyes when you start talking about Phish.
4. Tevas
There are only two stages of life in which a guy wears Tevas. One is in childhood at sleepaway camp. Oh you didn’t go to sleepaway camp? You didn’t wear Tevas then.
The second stage is when you’re a Dad. But not just any kind of Dad, a Nature Dad. You can catch Nature Dad taking his kids on vacation to a National Park or engaging in activities such as white water rafting and hiking. Nature Dads love to wear their velcro Tevas with socks and those weird white man sunglasses that reflect orange and come with a rubber safety strap, because God forbid he loses those sweet sunglasses during one of his nature hikes.
5. TOMS
Guys that wear TOMS are vegetarians and/or bring reusable grocery bags to the store, I guess that shit’s appealing to some of you women but I need a guy who can withstand a footstomp in a fight. I feel like a guy in TOMS wouldn’t be able to defend me, he’d be too frail. Not to mention, guys insist on wearing these barefoot. Pretty much most foot apparel that’s worn barefoot by men is offensive. The one quality about the shoe that’s supposed to be redeeming is that it’s charitable because they donate a pair of TOMS to needy children for every pair you buy, and you know how much people love feeling charitable without actually doing anything. I’m gonna assume that if a child needs shoes, he probably also needs food. I can’t help but imagine a village full of starving children with bloated bellies wearing TOMS.
6. Vibram Toe Shoes
Yo just look at these fucking things. There is absolutely no situation or context in which this footwear it acceptable. I don’t care if these are magical shoes that let Terio do parkour style jumps and fly, they’re still an awwww nawwwwl. I went on a hiking date with an OKCupid guy and he wore these. I brutally ridiculed him the whole time because I couldn’t contain my repulsion. He started talking about how they were aerodynamic or some shit, I didn’t return his texts.
