Alright ladies. It’s time for all of us to stop acting like girls and become the Hillary’s, Oprah’s and Lupita’s we were born to be. Time to shove all of the stupid gossipy drama, insecurity, and sloppiness into the garbage disposal. Like actually, BYE. Here are my 7 tips for womanhood from me to you.
Treat Yo Self
Ok. So I think it’s safe to say that most of us know how to clean ourselves up for the world. You can wake up looking like Smeagol but still leave the house looking like Queen Bey. Call it a woman’s gift. I know you get an intense endorphin release from all of the Insta likes, I promise I get it. But looking good is only the half of it. Treat yourself, girl. Get a massage. Then go to a power yoga class. And then if you’re feeling really crazy, be a super star and buy yourself an extremely overpriced juice and then sob while you drink it. You’re worth it.
Social Media
Let’s be real here. Your internet presence is now more important than your physical presence. I really don’t need to see half of you ever again if your tweets are fierce enough to appease me. You’re a woman now, so get with it and make the social media world your bitch. Post some hot Insta pics, lurk Twitter for news updates, and get the newest apps so you can be ahead of the curve and make everyone else feel like garbage, #sorrynotsorry.
Lurve
Even though you are a soulless witch most of the time, there’s nothing wrong with entertaining the idea of love when you have a minute. If you’re into the dating game then work it on hookup apps like Tinder. Just please do me favor and don’t be desperado when it comes to landing someone. Resist the urge to be openly thirsty. Stop sending ridiculous drunk texts. If you’re going to do a full CIA investigation of someone do NOT reveal yourself. Also hi, please be safe. I know this is kind of a Throwback Thursday but does anyone remember SEX ED YOU GUYS? Here are some terms you should know: Birth control. Condoms. Getting tested. None of things sound familiar? No? Ok then, moving on.
Rage Smart
So everyone already knows you’re the life of the party. But you can still throw back some shots and not turn your insides into a literal war zone. Don’t drink a handle to yourself and wonder why you’re so hungover the next day. Don’t get messed up and call your ex-boyfriend or your old bestie that you had a falling out with. And don’t buy random drugs at the club because it’s definitely laundry detergent and/or baking soda. Seriously.
Werk
You’re a boss ass bish so you probably need a boss ass job to match. Even if you’re a garbage collector and not trying to become a CEO, make that money so you can afford to live. It’s time to stop eating single tortillas for breakfast and lunch and literally get your life together. Mo money mo problems is a goddam lie. Money can’t buy you love, but you’re a heartless maneater so who cares of love when money can buy you everything else?
Kill The Tude
I don’t want to upset you girls but this high brow garbage is not a hot look. Being a woman means owning your sassiness. But if you’re literally walking around talking bad about people or even your own friends, you’re a waste of space that deserves to rot in a landfill. Don’t be like those idiots from high school that literally thought they were starring in “Mean Girls.” There’s no camera rolling bitch, the only thing that’s rolling right now are my eyes. Women who pick fights with other women for a living are garbage. I’ll see you in hell and once you’re down there, you can’t sit with us.
Grow A Pair
Of ovaries. Not balls. I’m serious. If you’re going to complain about equal rights then go out there and stick up for yourself. If something pisses you off, don’t be passive. What are you scared of? That someone that might call you a “bitch”? Yeah, that might happen. It’s definitely happened to me. If being a bitch means even barely scratching some idiot’s ego then yes; you’re a big ass spiky collar-wearing, ball-busting, mess with me and I’ll rip you to shreds, fierce as fuck bitch. WOOF.
