I got a job in New York as a nanny. What I didn’t realise was that I would actually be nannying a Dog…and occasionally a kid. The child in the family will always come second to the dog – and you better believe that these dogs are having a better life than you.
1. Their dogs hang out in a place in the financial district called ‘Fetch!’ For the Regina Georges’ of the dog world it is definitely happening. From manicures to movie screenings a ‘cage free’ penthouse with room service, a gym with personal trainer, all providing some light relief after an anal gland squeezing, probably with better gloves than yours. SIDE NOTE: Don’t enquire about being a dog personal trainer- it’s not as easy as you think.
2. DOGA
Dog + Yoga equals the regrettable DOGA. Lululemon now do a dog range, the ‘sexy bitch’ t-shirt is on sale.
3. American dogs have a better social life than you
At Fetch! they have a dog rave, a place where American dogs go to lick their balls and walk around under disco lights to the likes of Coldplay and other dog favorites.
4. American dogs have a better dating life than you
There is now a tinder for dogs called BarkBuddy and it is terrifying.
5. Your passion for home cooking becomes obsolete
When you’ve spent your evening making gourmet meatballs for a dog the last thing you want to do is cook for yourself.
6. Resentment
Hanging out with a dog with superior bangs never gets easier.
7. American dog owners always refer to themselves as the dogs Mum/Mom (delete as appropriate
Nobody wants to picture a French poodle coming out of a human vagina. NOBODY.
8. You discover new levels of wasting money
You can buy dog beer to wash down the blue cheese and foie gras dog ice cream. Oh and don’t forget the the $50 dog ‘perfume’ so that your dog can smell like a whore
9. Theres a dog ice-cream van
It’s called Frosty Pooch and for the weight conscious size queens on the Upper Westside theres now Fro Yo option called Yappy Treats.
10. But at the end of the day
I wish I was an American dog
Erin Murphy-Muscatelli has landed in New York via Liverpool which is where that band The Beatles were from, which automatically mean she’s brilliant. She lives & loves and writes about rich people.