Sending texts over and over again to your dude? Forgot your keys? Had a shitty argument and haven’t heard from him in days? Flight got cancelled? (In fact, thousands of flights were cancelled). These are a few things that I personally had to experience in the past few days. I didn’t walk under a ladder, I didn’t open an umbrella inside, and I didn’t break a mirror. So why the fuck is everything so weird lately? Three words: Mercury. In. Retrograde.
Mercury, you sneaky bitch. Beginning January 21st lasting through February 11, 2015 Mercury (the planet ruling all forms of communication) will travel retrograde three times this year, but be warned for the first is always the worst. It seems like nothing can go right during this time. For example, we heard a bunch of talk about this “blizzard” Juno and if you ask me it’s a bunch of bologna. The meteorologists called for up to 3 feet of snow and sent panic throughout New York City & New Jersey……only to discover the next day that there’s hardly any snow at all. It seems the weather conditions and “extremities” of Juno were not presented clearly through the media (what’s new there, eh?). One of my best friends mentioned to me she’s been having some haters who just won’t hop off her dick lately too, it’s like come on Mercury….what’s your deal?! So how should we deal with these shitty predicaments and trouble with communication for the next 2 weeks? Allow me to shed some light:
• Don’t take ANYTHING anyone texts, says, or writes to you seriously (or to heart). Chances are you’re likely going to read it the wrong way and in the wrong context. Like me for example, I was supposed to spend this amazing and “special” night with this guy before leaving New York and guess what happened? Our night = ruined. Thanks to Mercury, as an enjoyable night was coming to a close, we were about to go home together and out of no where an argument broke out. Then, he left me standing on the corner, in the cold, crying. YIKES RIGHT? Not your typical “send off”. I partially blame the whiskey, but mostly Mercury is to blame.
• Go ahead and get 2 bottles of wine and a box of tissues to keep you company because you’re likely going to be feeling extra emotional the next 2 weeks. Nothing says “I love me” like some wine. With senses heightened, you’ll be feeling extra sensitive and much more likely to shed some tears the next few days. You’d be surprised at what makes you cry. PS- I totally busted into tears after I approached my mom’s car at the airport (after not seeing her for some time). Later that evening after watching a video of a homeless man expressing his love for the universe and people around him, we both couldn’t help ourselves and yet again it was a tear fest.
• Don’t sign any mega important documents. Now is not the best time to sign any contracts of any kind. Even if it seems like you really do need that new Mercedes, put it on hold (until after the 11th). You’ll thank yourself (and me) later. Just too risky right now!
• Don’t be ballsy and go for that new hair cut you’ve been dying to try out. Shit, don’t even think about attempting the whole Kylie Jenner lip liner trend either…….you’ll end up looking more scary-chola then CUTE. Just don’t try new stuff, okay? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the pouty lips, but if you haven’t tried it yet….just wait.
• Don’t try any extreme sex positions…”You’ll shoot your eye out!” For all you dare devils out there, hold off on experimenting. You don’t want to end up in the hospital due to sex (this has never happened to me personally….but it’s only a matter of time before my luck runs out). I can only hold that upside down handstand off the side of the bed for so long ya know?!
With the above being said, keep your cool and hold on tight because the next 2 weeks are SURE to be a bumpy ride. (Chances are these bumps will include acne too because…..well……..Mercury in Retrograde).
