Have you ever been in such disbelief that a situation actually happened to you that you sit back and think, “I seriously thought this shit only happened in movies?” My life has plenty of these ridiculous moments, however, this one really takes the cake.
Recently, I am driving to work on a Sunday morning, when something occurs that is typically a red flag indicating that your day is probably going to be an inevitable shit show. My car breaks down. At a green light. Of course, my initial reaction is to call my best friend in a panic.
“This is an emergency! You have to come get me now!” BFF comes back with the most unexpected response and says, “No, I have a bigger emergency!”
As this spirals me even farther into confusion, I proceed to ask her what the emergency is and if she’s okay, which she says is too embarrassing and refuses to tell me. I respond, “Well I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong!” Take into account that during all this my car *magically* turns back on and I am continuing my journey to work.
“Okay, I may, or may not…have a vibrator stuck inside me…” BFF confesses. Of course, I can’t help but burst into laughter. “You’re fucking kidding me, how?!?!?”
Mid-anxiety attack, she exclaims that it doesn’t matter how and I absolutely have to come to her house and help her because she thinks that I can get it out. Yes, that’s right, me. I have to get it out. Now most best friends probably would just say, ‘fuck that, we’re going to the emergency room’ but I am not your typical best friend. No, I turn around, drive to her house and with her assistance, try to help her get the little gyrating sucker out. But, to my astonishment, it is way too far up there and we have to go with plan B: the emergency room.
We rush to the hospital, all the while this thing is still vibrating inside her, more towards her stomach area at this point. We get to the window and neither of us can keep our shit together to explain our ’emergency’. We are finally called in and the (young, not to mention, cute) doctor asks, “so what brings you ladies in today?” I blurt out, “She has a vibrator stuck inside her, I tried to get it out and I couldn’t, so you gotta do it!” He stares at me while trying to hide his pressing grin, puts her in stir-ups, and gets to work.
Half an hour, a variety of tools later, and some non-period induced blood later, he finally pulls it out whilst turning it on and off in the process, which causes BFF to twitch uncontrollably. It took much longer than expected and Cute Doctor even took his pen out at one point and asked me to draw a diagram of what the vibrator looked like so he could get the angle right. After the strangest afternoon of my life, I then make my way to work with proper documentation in hand to excuse my tardy. A piece of paper with a short summary of our emergency, entitled: Vaginal Foreign Body.
I guess the lesson to be taken from all of this is a) mini vibrators are never meant to be inserted no matter what you’re trying to achieve and b) always go to the fullest extent to help your friends because next time you need something, you can always pull the “bitch, I stuck my hand up your vagina,” card.
Illustration by Alanah Cole.
This post, What To Do When Your Best Friend Gets a Vibrator Stuck Where It Shouldn’t Be, by Erika Flynn, appeared first on Galore.